Listen for the whispers
My default mode has always been anxiousness and hypervigilance. I’ve written about this quite a bit. These are skills that served me at some point, heck, many points, in my life so far. I’m extremely helpful and supportive in a crisis. I’m very detail oriented in thoroughly thinking through all aspects of a plan, project or situation. I can unfold different possible pathways in an instant. All good qualities.
Except when this “always-on” mentality eventually burns out. It usually takes a massive event or illness to unravel me and even then, I fight the reality of the burnout and try my best to work through it. Why?
Someone asked me recently “When you meet someone new, do you expect them to like you – just because you’re you?”. I didn’t have to think to answer this. No. I expect to have to win their approval and give them something of myself to like. It had never occurred to me that other people didn’t think the same thing. At the same time, I don’t expect this of others, so what gives? I think this is tied to my anxiousness and hypervigilance. I can default to expecting the worst and look for reasons why I’m not good enough.
I’ve come so far on my journey to be present and less anxious and hypervigilant. I’ve made a ton of progress and it’s shifted my day-to-day life tremendously. I think those closest to me would say the same. I can also now see these traits in others. The rat race and wheel, never feeling settled enough to breathe.
The challenge for me is that it sneaks up in large, sweeping ways or runs on a very low level without me fully noticing. Typically the latter, if I’m honest. That’s my default mode and after decades of being in this mode, of course it’s still somewhat ingrained – it’s a change that I wanted and that I’ve put intention behind. Either way, each can defeat me, which I’m kind of grateful for because it showcases how far I’ve come. When these old survival skills show up, I cannot handle them. They no longer serve me fully.
How can I tell this is happening? A few ways:
Physically there is a tension in my body. I am physically bracing for something to happen. My body is ready for anything – and it’s waiting for it. My neck is stiff, my jaw is clenched, my belly is constricted.
Mentally my mind is racing. It is trying to figure out what it cannot see – desperately looking to predict the future. Headaches, frustration and issues with my sleep show up.
Emotionally I find myself feeling defeated. I’m upset with myself but cannot pinpoint exactly why. I feel a bit like a failure for no reason. Sadness and depression creep in.
Hindsight always being 20/20 it’s easy to see how this current bout started. A difficult week with some sad and hard news. Outwardly I thought I was tending to myself. I knew I needed more time for myself, more meditation and journaling. More compassion. Logically I know all of this. Realistically, it was all really hard to give myself. I fought it. Then I crashed with a physical illness.
I had all of the whispers but I needed a giant kick in the a$$. Thanks, reality.
The truth is, we get in these states and ignore the whispers or we’re going so fast we simply cannot hear them. Everyone and everything else needs our attention and time, it seems.
This is your reminder to breathe. Stop bracing for bad things to happen. Stop trying to predict the future. BE HERE NOW. Work with yourself more closely to settle your nervous system and rest.
We’re headed into the busiest time of year. Please do not forget you. Look for your signs of burnout and take care of you.