Little victories
Ah, the first week of January. Post holiday blues while desperately trying to rally back to some kind of work and life form. For me, the holiday break saga and learnings continued. The last week and a half since my previous post (on how I somewhat unraveled trying to do all things Christmas-y plus dealing with the curve balls of parenting and life) proved to be an opportunity to put my 3 takeaways into action. Yay?!
Why do I put even higher expectations on….?
Why is it even harder to recover when my expectations are not met in these moments of disappointment and the need to change plans and schedules?
How can I better untangle joy and happiness from outcomes of situations?
After posting last time, I finally took myself to the doctor. A very sore throat for a week, at that point, that I was pretending wasn’t happening. Good news, not positive for anything, just a virus that steroids would help with. Five days later, no improvement, plus, it was spreading, so I went back for more meds. This no name virus had taken all of my energy, my sleep, my exercise and my patience. I was hanging by a thread, as I know most people can relate to, right now. In addition, our poor nanny was still sick. What this meant was that we were not getting back on our regular schedule as intended with work and childcare. Almost immediately, my head started spinning about all the reasons this couldn’t be happening and how inconvenient this was going to be. This time, though, I stopped.
I had just re-read entries from the first few days of 2022 in my gratitude journal. Guess what? We had no childcare, Eric had COVID and work was demanding and draining. Reading those entries brought back all of the feelings I had in my body at that time. I was stressed out about things I could not control and in a way that wasn’t helpful to myself or my family. How serendipitous to have this reminder right in front of me as nearly the same situation was presenting itself one year later!
This time, I chose a different path. I refused to get myself or my family frazzled. I chose my mental health and happiness. Normally, I would have set my expectations too high, where I’d need to be 100% working and 100% parenting – IMPOSSIBLE. Normally, I would have been pissed off, sulked and grumpy toward my kiddos and husband - not fair to the ones I love the most. This time, I untangled happiness from the situation.
This is a big, BIG, win for me! I very carefully and thoughtfully set aside any kind of expectation for myself for the next few days and instead, I focused on just making it through the days, as happy as possible. This meant that when I was with my kids, I was offline for work. When it was rest time, I filled my cup first, then logged on to work. I was available for my work team and urgent needs. Everything else could wait. And, it did, just fine.
For me, it can be a bit easier to separate work and family at desperate times, but there are other expectations, hardened to stone in myself, that I also need help softening.
Exercise. It’s critical to well being, unless it’s obsessive. Most of the time, I run through any illness. This time, I didn’t. I stopped and gave my body the chance to rest. I walked some days but I listened intently to my body. Any small cry of tiredness, I embraced and respected.
Eating. Also critical to well being, unless it’s obsessive. I can turn eating into a challenge for myself quickly. This time, I didn’t. I noticed old patterns, and addressed them immediately. I can’t say I didn’t overthink things at all, because I did, but, I allowed myself the space to be imperfect in my choices and just make it through the days.
Productivity. Pretty critical to being successful in running a household and keeping a job. For me, productivity often feels embedded in how I value myself and determine my self worth. This time, I set this aside, too, and truly did only what I could do. When I was productive, it felt great, versus expected.
Judgment. My judger is the judgiest! Especially when it comes to exercise, eating and productivity. I acknowledged the judgment, but more often I chose to not listen to it. I wanted to survive in the happiest way possible. Judging myself wasn’t going to help me with that.
Now that I’m feeling like I have more energy I can reflect back on this time more easily. I didn’t notice or even feel this good about it during those days. In fact, I felt depressed. I realized that, for me, being sick feels a lot like being depressed, and that’s scary for me. Depression was incredibly hard for me at its worst and I continue to carry a little with me daily. I don’t want to be near that slippery slope.
One last thing. None of this was seamless or pretty. It was mostly a stumbling, fumbling and messy handful of days. That’s what makes it so beautiful to me, now. Despite being very uncomfortable, I was trying something new and I can see that it was positive, overall. I was proud of myself in certain moments. I am proud of myself, still. Little victories add up!