Constant Evolution
The truth is, I started writing this post at the beginning of the week heading into Christmas. It went something, or exactly, like this:
I’m so grateful to be where I am on my journey this holiday. Last year, I was newly sober and while I was healing and caring for my body and mind, I was also unsure of what was next for me or if being sober would actually work for me. This year, I’m excited for all things holiday with my family, and have been since October! It has been fun, in terms of the anticipation and fantasy thinking of how great every day and celebration will be. But, the truth is I’ve needed several reality checks – including one just the other day. We set out to look at lights in our neighborhood and, you know, make those holiday memories! Almost immediately things went south. Our son has some sensitivities and being in a dark car with the bright lights outside really set him off. My switch flipped from anticipation and fun to an “everything is ruined” attitude. Not fair for our poor son or our daughter or my husband. I had set unrealistic expectations of the adventure and lost my ability to be fluid in a situation that involved children (which is basically a prerequisite for being with children). A few things came up for me.
Why do I put even higher expectations on holiday adventures and the holidays in general? Isn’t there enough going on?
Why is it even harder to recover when my expectations are not met during these adventures?
How can I better untangle joy and happiness from the outcomes of situations?
This was a great start. For me to be able to notice these behaviors and tendencies, question them and then reframe them by choosing different ways to respond versus react when things go awry.
Fast forward a day or so and our son was a snot machine. Whatever virus he had, exploded green slime into his little head. Poor boy. But, kids are so resilient with these endless viruses…right? By Thursday, the Eve of all Christmas celebrations at their pinnacle, and a much needed work break for myself, it was clear that the little guy wasn’t bouncing back. Luckily we could get him in to the doctor and find antibiotics (even during an antibiotic shortage). The slight start of crud in the back of my throat I had been ignoring started growing as well.
Over Christmas, as I scrolled everyone eles’s social media I was struck with the much needed reminder not to compare myself. Most of social media is the best of the best – and I’m just as guilty – showcasing the beautiful pictures of my kids instead of the messy meltdowns (both of myself and my kids!). It’s a wonderful thing to have the memories year over year. It’s also a terrible thing to try to keep up with and compare myself to. Reluctantly, I limited my scrolling as much as I could. Instead, I ate cookies for breakfast with both of my kids, watched the grinch with my older child a few times, had candy canes from the tree and chocolates throughout the day.
Long story longer, we missed celebrating Christmas Eve, recovered enough for Christmas Day and then our nanny called in sick (yep, same crud). I know. I just said I had a “much needed break from work” coming up. But, I’ve been in school and have a ton of commitments for that, which I planned to use my 3 days of bliss for….
So, if you’re tracking with me, I can easily just copy and paste the same few things from 5 days earlier, here, with a few tweaks:
Why do I put even higher expectations on my scheduled work time off to get shit done? Especially during the holidays, isn’t there enough going on?
Why is it even harder to recover when my expectations of time off (or any plans) are not met in these moments of disappoint and the needing to change plans and schedules?
How can I better untangle joy and happiness from outcomes of situations?
What I’ve noticed is a theme. I’m a great planner and that trait has been hugely beneficial for me in my life – planning for my finances, my children, my work, etc. It just needs to evolve a bit. It doesn’t serve me in the way it has, and that’s ok. This is good news, because, now I can work on reframing what’s at the core of my reaction and develop better responses. Overall, an opportunity for growth, for myself.
I’ve been thinking about all of the hubbub around New Years resolutions lately, too. I don’t make New Years resolutions. Instead, I try to think about the themes in my life and come with one to a few words for the new year. I set an intention of how I’ll come back to those words when those themes occur and look for times to let those words play a new part in my life. This year, I’m doing the same but more so with short statements.
For 2023, my intentions are around:
Continuing to create connection.
Staying curious, with myself and others.
Remembering there are seasons for everything.
Finding my sillies again.
Each of these statements represent an opportunity of growth in an area, or many areas, of my life. Having this list allows me to come back to it, as a reminder, as the year unfolds into whatever it will be. I have no doubt I’ll have similar challenges as this year, plus new and different challenges. Likely I’ll respond to those similar challenges in a similar way to this year, too. But, if I can pivot my responses ever so slightly, that is evolution of myself.
This year I learned something for myself. I always thought that I was trying to figure something out. What I think now, though, is that it’s not about “figuring it all out”. It’s about constant evolution.
Cheers,
Emily