Ditching the drinking
I don’t think about drinking often anymore. I was surprised at how easily I stopped thinking about it. I remember thinking years ago how hard it would be for an alcoholic because they’d have triggers everywhere. Whereas a drug addict didn’t have to say no to heroin at a work event or see a commercial for it. The only time I really think about it is when I’m going to be in a social setting that I used to drink in, that I haven’t encountered sober yet. It’s a little anxiety-provoking, but mostly worrying about someone asking me why I’m not drinking. Which has never even happened.
I actually enjoy being sober while others are drinking — and not just because I feel good in the mornings! I remember this from when I was pregnant with my daughter. It’s more common for pregnant women to not drink, though, in social settings. Luckily, I think because I’m older and around older people, I don’t have to deal with awkward questions from friends, family or acquaintances. I like being able to contribute to conversation and experience everything and everyone with a clear mind. I like being able to remember the experiences too.
As it turned out, I didn’t have major withdrawal symptoms from alcohol, outside of learning how to fall asleep without being buzzed or drunk. Some things that most people don’t think about that are a direct result of not drinking heavily include: not having to worry if I’d said something or behaved poorly the night before, trying to judge this by husband’s demeanor in the morning, trying to play off not remembering something or acting like I did remember, pouring a large drink and taking a giant gulp before coming around the corner so it looked like I poured a normal drink, topping off when others weren’t around. It’s not easy trying to feed a habit that’s destructive. That’s why people say “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
This was a rock bottom in my life, but not the first. I’ve had a few (more on those later). When I stopped drinking it became clearer how long I had been outside the norms of social drinking. I stopped justifying and blocking experiences and behaviors out that were painful. Disassociating with these memories was easy for me because I was so functional and successful in life, relationships and work. Those experiences didn’t match my outward appearance to others, so I swept them under the rug.
I feel extremely grateful for the times I escaped harm or punishment within my drinking. This rock bottom didn’t just impact myself and my first (immediate) family. It included the family I had made with my husband and children. It also included a successful career. So much more was on the line. The biggest thing on the line though needed to be me. A life not lived to its fullest. A life with so much experience not shared that could help others.
Some people may feel that digging up the past is not productive and causes more pain. For me, I needed to dig it up. It’s the first time I’ve actually given myself and my body a chance to understand those experiences. It’s also allowed me to connect the dots and deeply understand myself. I’m 100% a work in progress. I don’t have all of the answers, not even close to all of them. But, I am owning my story — all parts — and I’m grateful to be on this journey, peeling the onion layers back and exposing more of the wonderful human I am.