T R Y
You might be reading this and thinking, “Great, good job. Glad it was so easy for you to stop drinking.” You should know that this wasn’t my first rodeo with stopping a life-threatening behavior (don’t worry, we’ll get to all of them). So I had previous practice, some foundational structure and resources. The biggest thing this time versus other times in my life was that I finally felt like I deserved the chance to find true joy. I can’t say what changed — maybe the fact that I am older and realizing how fast life goes. But, don’t be mistaken, I’d been here before.
I remember, for the first time, a little more than a decade prior wanting to stop drinking altogether. It was another difficult period in my life, a relationship slowly ending that I thought at the time was healthy and promising. Looking back now, I can see that much of that relationship wasn’t even close to healthy. But at that time, I felt completely out of control and my drinking escalated. I remember asking him if he’d still be with me if I stopped drinking. His answer was basically no. Why wasn’t that a massive wake-up call for me? I was basically crying for help and he was calling me a loser! The way I interpreted that was that alcohol made me acceptable to others. Sure, my family would always love me, but I needed to feel established outside of my parents and siblings, and I felt desperate for people to accept me. Also, I had been in treatment, rehab and recovery. The idea of entering it again solidified to me that I was a total fuck-up. Instead, I continued on as high functioning to the outside word. Climbing the corporate ladder for my professional career and appearing healthy physically.
I think there are many categories of unhealthy drinking. I’ve been in a lot of them. I could turn it off on work trips or for important social events. I didn’t drink during the day, and I didn’t drink late into the night. I didn’t miss work because of hangovers. Hell, I didn’t miss a run either. I remember one time after a night of drinking with friends at a concert and everyone was terribly hungover. The kind where you know you’re just going to waste an entire day trying to feel better. Not me. Sure, I was hungover, but I went for a six-mile run and then got a massage. I was healthy … remember? This is the kind of justification I did multiple times a week sometimes. Again, what became different this time was that I had a family of my own. I could carefully control my environment pre-kids, but post-kids? Good luck! I didn’t want to be a mother who was just making it through the day with her kids or always frustrated because of the noise. I wanted to be present with them. These little humans are our future! I can and will influence them, and that’s a huge responsibility that requires my full attention.
When I hit this rock bottom, it was a culmination of many poor drinking experiences. It was also a “fucking fuck, I’m tired!” feeling. Most days that year I couldn’t wait to put the kids to bed to have a drink. The problem was that my son was going to be up again in two to three hours. So I’d feel frustrated that I didn’t have more time after drinking to sleep. Then I’d feel shame because he was what we had been desperately trying to receive for the past two years in our adoption journey. The internal conflict was a raging river every minute of the day. I didn’t have the right tools to tame the internal conflict nor to show myself any form of self-compassion. Instead I dissolved my self worth through my internal dialogue and self beliefs. At one point, I started feeling like my family would be better off without me.
This was when I decided to try. Just try. I remember during our adoption process, I would approach things in phases. I could not start to comprehend what a NICU stay would be like before I could comprehend what a birth parent choosing us would be like before I could comprehend what a home study would be like. I could only do one thing at a time, which was unlike me. I love to figure it all out before I dive in! The false perception of control, I know now. It only took me 40 years to be comfortable not doing that!
So if you're reading this thinking “cheers to you,” I get it. There were many years of trying to get here. Many thoughts of trying but not yet having the courage or ability to do so. Timing can be key, but sometimes taking one step at a time and just trying can change everything.