It’s ok to be a work-in-progress
I never used heroin again, thankfully. Like I have mentioned before, though, I do think I chose a different outlet in alcohol. It was just more socially accepted and I could be extremely functional. When I first stopped using I had dreams about using, like many people in recovery do. Eventually they become few and far between, but just a few days ago I had one. Most of the time I never actually get high in my dreams. Instead I’m dealing with this internal turmoil where I’m going through all of the actions of trying to use but know deep down inside that I do not want to use. This inner turmoil isn’t far fetched from when I was using or drinking, for that matter. And, it applies to even everyday situations where I want to be the best wife, mother, friend, coach, employee that I can be - but I’m falling short for some reason or another. My own cup isn’t full, my energy is depleted or I have some of my own work I need to do.
Being a work in progress is both relieving and disappointing to me. On one hand, I don’t have to be perfect, and that’s great because perfectionism is a huge hurdle in my self-work. There are a lot of aspects of perfectionism and control that overlap for me. The belief that the more I can control my environment or in a perceived future environment the better prepared I will be is a belief that I’m finally starting to pick apart. I do acknowledge that it has served me well and protected me in different parts of my life, but it’s also consumed me in negative ways. What I’m finding is that the more I’m focused on planning the more I miss out on those around me. And with two young kids, there is a lot to miss out on. Plus, planning is pretty much impossible with two young kids, anyway!
On the other hand, being a work in progress also means that I will never, ever, be finished. That can feel daunting. Even in my day-to-day life it feels like I’m often going as hard and as fast as I can go because I’m afraid of something. I won’t make it to the end of day accomplished enough? I will run out of energy (this could be very true actually!)? It won’t be a perfect enough day? I’m trying hard right now to celebrate my progress while also being curious about how I can continue to grow. Progress is evolution and evolution cannot happen all at once.
One of the first things my coach saw as an opportunity for me was self-compassion. She was spot on, this is an area I’ve always struggled with. To me, self-compassion is treating ourselves how we would treat our children if they were struggling with something or hurting. If this analogy doesn’t apply, think of a niece or nephew you love or even your cat or dog. If they were having a hard time with a doctor or vet visit or they were embarrassed or scared, how would you respond? Likely lovingly. When I envision self-compassion, I envision a warm, soft, comforting hug that I’m giving myself. But this isn’t easy, and it hasn’t been a focus of mine. For the first time, I’m eager to get a better understanding of this for myself.
The opposite of self-compassion, I’m also very critical of myself. In being my worst critic, the way I can speak to myself can be abusive. When people talk about ‘being your worst critic’ as a positive trait, I can understand it. You tend to go the extra mile, make sure you’re showing up well, reliable and do really great work. I’ve often thought that if I’m the hardest person on myself, then everyone else’s opinion or feedback will seem easier to me, by comparison. I’m more prepared because I’ve already thought of every flaw. There’s that control thing again!
For me, this is a slippery slope because I have never lived up to my expectations and this has led to a lot of disappointment and negative self-talk. The expectations I often over set for myself range from how dinner will taste, how fun vacation is going to be, how productive I will be on a weekend, how far or fast I will run, and the list goes on. When I have an expectation of perfection in mind for literally every single experience in my life I’ve set myself up for failure. And I’ve done this over and over again for so many years. Some of us parents like to joke that we need to lower our expectations with our kiddos because it’s bound to be a shit show or just not turn out well at all. This is funny, but it’s so true, for me. If I let myself build something up too much I’m always disappointed, and this is disappointing over and over again. There are those expectations, again!
It’s fascinating to me how interconnected all of this is. Changing one small thing can have a ripple effect that is massive! It’s both encouraging and scary. Without change, though, were stagnant, which doesn’t work either. Change is the only constant.