Everything feels raw
I struggled with even writing this, but there was a force within me, calling me to write, that I had to just get it out. I’m not sure I’ll even post this, but I do know that I’m overwhelmed with so many emotions right now with the Tyre Nichols story unraveling. I’m physically sick to my stomach writing this, my shoulders might as well be attached to my ears and my teeth are clenched so hard. Then, there is this gaping, soft, hole in my core where my heart is, just aching with such pain.
I’m not naive to the fact Tyre isn’t the first or last victim of hate. There have been so many people before him targeted for many reasons and with one common denominator – HATE. I live a sheltered life and a privileged life, plus I’m white. I know this. My news intake is minimal. This week I had 2 appointments that took me out of my home. I work from home, so getting out is rare. Each time I went out I listened to NPR and I listened to the details unravel about Tyre’s death and beating that occurred steps from his mother’s house. Last night I watched the videos. I am physically ill. Stunned and shocked. Confused. Full of rage and sadness. I cannot understand how those men could be so violent toward Tyre. The videos went on for a lifetime, it seemed. What could make those men behave that way? Such a disregard for life. Regardless of the endless possibilities of who Tyre may have been or what he had done, none of that violence and disregard for his life will ever be warranted.
I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be an officer. Personally, I could not do the job and I’m grateful for the good officers protecting our communities. Like any organization, there are always bad intentions and behaviors by someone or some people - this isn’t abnormal to me. People make terrible decisions and I've made terrible decisions in my life. This situation is not a bad decision. It’s not a “shit, I’m sorry” or a “I know, I need help”. This is a complete disregard for human life. Punch after punch. Kick after kick. It could have stopped sooner. Tyre could have recovered (physically). No, this is someone thinking they are that much better than another individual that they can take that authority. Take someone’s life intentionally. And that someone is someone whose job is to protect us. I’m just so confused and enraged.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about him and what he must have been thinking. How close he was to getting home to his mother. How he cried out for her several times, just hoping she’d hear him. AND HIS MOTHER! My god this poor woman. So close to her son and having no idea what was happening. As a mother, I try so hard to protect my children. Everything from a hot stove, to hurt feelings, from falling and from just being scared. As a mother, in the thick of toddler/baby things like endless crying and not sleeping, I often hear my son crying when he isn’t even crying. I’ve grown accustomed to the sound – I try to fall asleep and I hear him, even with earplugs in my ears. Last night he did cry. He was up from 10pm-1:30am. He woke up scared because his night light and sound machine randomly went off. I went in to be with him, and just held him and watched him. His beautiful face and eyes looking up at me. His body in my arms, protected. All I could think about was Tyre and his mother. I held my son so close, probably a little too hard.
How much we do for our children and to try to protect them. As a child who’s put her parent’s through some very hard times, and shamefulness I’ve had to try to work through, I know it isn’t easy. I’m sure I won’t be immune to it with my children. But, DAMN! All I want to do is protect my children from anything bad or harmful to their mind, body or soul. The scariest thing for me is that we have to let them fly. They deserve it, the chance to make a beautiful life and choose the paths to get there. Our influence and intent only go so far. And in an instant, it can change. It can end. Accidentally or at the hands of someone else that perhaps never had the protection or love. Perhaps never even had a chance themselves. This is the humanity we live in. Broken people everywhere. Lack of compassion and empathy. Lack of understanding. Lack of trust.
I don’t know where to go from here. I feel as if I’m mourning not only Tyre and all those who have died at the hands of someone or something awful, but our entire humanity. I’m sad and scared for my children. I’m scared my self-work and intentions for myself, and others, isn’t enough. That alone, is enough to feel defeated enough not to try to make a better humanity. Like connection and compassion get us nowhere. Is that true? I can’t be. It simply CANNOT be. Damn it! It just can’t be true.