Let’s normalize being in the shit!
This post has been revised so many times. It may be a bit scattered, just like my thoughts lately. If you take away one thing, let it be this. Can we please normalize being in the shit? What I mean is, can we be ok with people not being ok (happy/productive/healthy/etc.) all of the time? We all have 700-million things going at once. Some great, some good, some bad and some awful. We’re also these beautiful human vessels of imperfection trying to evolve – hopefully into better versions of ourselves. We fly high for a while and then dip low. I desperately need this to be normalized. Does anyone else?
Coming off of my last post and feeling a lot of heavy, strong, emotions, I started the week feeling uneasy. What I didn’t realize was that uneasiness is how I would describe the way I have started most weeks, for a while now. As my week went along I had my fair share of work challenges, parenting challenges and life challenges. I thought I was managing things well. I have my non-negotiables – sleep, exercise, self care and regulation tools and meditation – and I was doing them all.
Overnight (it seemed, but definitely was not) Wednesday and into Thursday something shifted in me. Suddenly everything was heavy and hard. Liket walking through sludge. I physically felt bad, I felt depression sneaking in with a blanket of doom and gloom and I felt my intuition and trust fading fast. What had happened? While some of these symptoms I’m very familiar with, from their guest appearances throughout my life, I felt blindsided. My morning routine with my family was tense and negative. Then, I had a work call that I left feeling like a failure. I didn’t treat others kindly and my attitude sucked. This is when I knew I needed support.
First, I apologized to those people on the call. I needed to own my behaviors but I also needed them to know it was me, not them. From there, I sank a bit deeper into my mental despair, getting worried that I was headed back to a dark place I didn't want to go. Was all of the work I’d done on myself disappearing? I honestly didn’t know.
Second, I went for a walk outside, in the fresh air that I desperately needed. Third, I called a friend and I was honest. I vented, questioned things in my life and laughed. She listened, compared notes, showed affection and love and laughed with me. This 30 minutes made the rest of my day manageable. But, that night I felt the dread of starting all over again the next day. I knew I wasn’t “fixed” and I was still worried that somehow all of my efforts to regulate, have self compassion, slow down, be present, reduce perfectionism, etc., were disappearing like sand between my fingers.
Friday morning I called my coach. She reminded me that healing isn’t linear. There will be ups and downs. AND, I was already taking steps to support myself by reaching out to others and going for a walk. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and was reassuring. I went for another walk, Friday. Filling my cup, but not just in order to fill others’ cups, but instead, in order to feel fulfilled for myself. If I’m not feeling like I’m meeting my own needs, how can I know what I need from others or even ask others to meet my needs? It’s a recipe for disaster – more like disappointment and resentment.
My autopilot is perfectionism and finding my worth in achievements. I’ve done this for so long that it’s easy to shift into these gears subconsciously. This perfectionism causes me to think that most good things are a fluke and can be gone in an instant. While living life to the fullest, knowing we’re not guaranteed tomorrow, is one thing. It’s another thing to believe that the blood, sweat and tears I’ve put into my own healing can also be gone in an instant. It’s just not true. Taking time, as much time as needed, to pause or slow down and re-heal some things or spend extra time changing those neural pathways in my brain is not a set back. It’s not a failure. It’s human.
This makes going inward to explore what I truly need and desire so much more important to me. It’s constantly changing, and will continue to change. So it’s always important to revisit this for myself. By doing so, I can then, also, let others in and connect with them on a much deeper level. This is what excites me about this process. Evolution of myself to be happier, more fulfilled and ultimately more connected with the people in my life. It’s exciting, but it’s HARD. I still feel exhausted and deflated this weekend. Everything still feels heavy and hard. Maybe not as hard as Thursday, but not much less hard. I’m trying to fill my cup and pick myself back up again. And, I’d be lying if I said I felt confident in my attempts and approach — that I’ll start feeling like I did weeks ago, or whenever that was. That’s where my hope and drive come into play. I am committed to this process, even if it’s messy. I’ve already tried many of the alternative approaches and those did not help me evolve and grow. In fact, they did quite the opposite. So, until I have evidence that the work I’m doing is not working, I will continue to try.
What am I trying to do? I’m trying to create and find joy and purpose in my life. I’m trying to use that joy to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sibling, friend, colleague, neighbor and stranger I can be, right now. Not the best ever or best in the world – the best I can be right now at this moment.. I’m trying to be authentically me while being kind to others. I’m trying to stay curious and learn more about myself and others. I’m trying to find connection and normalize being in the shit. We’ve all been here, and it’s ok. I’m trying to come back to joy.
*It’s important to get mental help when you need it. Please know that there is help. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline