Practicing Life
It’s been a bit since I’ve written. Party because I’m focusing on writing when I’m called to write versus it being a chore. Plus, I want it to be authentic and genuine. The other part is that it’s been a combination of both good-busy and hard-busy. What I learned, better yet, re-learned, is that I’m really great during hecticness or crisis. I have a stellar crisis mode! The problem is that my crisis mode is also my default mode, and it kicks into gear even when there isn’t a true crisis. I can focus on what needs to happen, juggling many tasks and being hyper-alert to the needs of everyone around me. This shows up even when it’s simply just a busier season of life.
Over the past few months I have felt the need to come back to stillness. With life, we get so busy with the day-to-day needs of our family and the planning that needs to happen in order for each phase and season to occur. If you know me, you know I love planning. Planning ahead, organizing teams, functions and processes is my jam. It’s just how my brain operates. I could give you my theory on why, which would include hyper-vigilance and a false sense of control, but there are plenty of posts on my site where you can read about those! Ultimately, what happens is that I find myself living in the future while all of the planning I had done unfolds without my being present in it at all. Life just starts passing me by and then all of the sudden I feel resentment, which I’ve created myself, because I’m not present or enjoying my life daily. Anxiety starts to build and I’m hanging out waiting for the other shoe to drop or conspiracy theory’ing about everything! It’s a slippery slope, maddening and feels like insanity building in my mind and body.
It’s not like this was new information for me to discover about myself. There was no epiphany. It was more of a “UGH! That lesson again. Damn it.” Our children are great teachers for this. I can’t count how many times I’ve told them “It just takes practice. Keep trying!”. As we get older and become adults I think we move away from this mentality. As if we should know how to do everything and as if we longer need to practice life skills. For those of us seeking growth, we recognize how much practice and re-learning plays a part in this evolution.
Don’t get me wrong, planning is a great attribute to have. It’s helped me and my family in an inordinate amount of ways. What I struggle with is turning it off! When life gets hectic, difficult, or when I’m not feeling well mentally or physically, I turn to planning mode to dissociate from my day-to-day life. It’s a coping mechanism where I can detach from my feelings and emotions but still be productive. A sneaky coping mechanism! The problem with these types of coping mechanisms is that we’re praised for them by society. We’re seen as high functioning and ‘doing it all’. Our social norms love us! But, then we crash because it is not sustainable. Moreso, some of us start to recognize the madness and dissatisfaction that it creates within us and we pause to question it. Then we unravel the beautiful mess that it truly is and we start to learn and grow from it. This is evolution! And…then we practice it over and over until the end of time. Kidding, sort of...
Think about the life lessons that you have to learn over and over again? Stillness is one of them for me. What’s yours?