Belonging vs. fitting in
Belonging and connection are basic needs of humans – it’s Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When we come into this life we’re fragile and completely dependent. Then, we start to be more self-sufficient and independent. The need for belonging and connection never go away and remain crucial to how happy our existence will be. We’ve all heard of the couple that was together for 50+ years and when one dies, the other follows shortly after. Quite literally dying of a broken heart.
What’s interesting to me is how much we [try to] change ourselves throughout the course of our lives to belong. But, belonging isn’t fitting in. Yet, as we grow up we may do things others are doing because we want those people to like us. From drinking in high school to taking on every single thing imaginable as a mother, to drinking the kool-aid at a job that doesn’t meet our values. At every phase of our lives we’re met at these crossroads of whether we’ll do/not do the thing that will make others around us happy and allow us to fit in and feel like we belong.
Here’s the catch. If we’re doing/not doing things to fit in, then we’re not living in our truth. We’re not being our authentic selves. People go through their entire lives unable to be themselves. This can happen for several different reasons, some life threatening –but those are different and not what I’m focused on in this piece. What I’m focused on is living our days without ever questioning or asking ourselves what our values are or why we’re doing certain things. Further, how does doing/not doing that thing REALLY make us feel….in our bodies? We’re so out of touch with ourselves that we’re living for other people. Freedom is possible and the first step is getting curious about our connections with others and connecting with our bodies to truly feel the way these relationships sit with us.
Brené Brown wrote in her book Atlas of the Heart “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
This weekend we went to the zoo with highschool friends and their kiddos. Women that I’ve known for 35+ years. The four of us have gone through life and even come and gone in one another’s lives. Yet each time we show up, authentically ourselves, and pick right up where we left off. This is beyond beautiful to me and it’s unique. That last time we met one of my friends asked me to tell her “everything” about my drug addiction in my early 20’s. I felt authentically myself as I gave details, some horrifying, to this small group of women who completely accept me for who I am AND for everything I’ve been through.
After our zoo trip I felt flooded with gratitude to have these women in my life. Superficial relationships are abundant. These deep, raw, authentic relationships are what make life unique and beautiful. It starts with us, though. Showing up as ourselves, unapologetically. Living in our values, unapologetically.
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