Go Moms!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms! I’m a mom too. It’s equally the most rewarding role I have and the most challenging. I’m thankful for the many funny memes of children and about parenting. They normalize how much of a shit show this parenting thing really is and it makes me laugh for a moment. The truth is, though, it’s a grind! As moms, and parents, it can feel like we live several lives in the course of one day. I truly think that being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom carries the same weight, just distributed differently. Regardless, each requires a delicate balance of keeping things working and running on time.
Many of the reasons to intentionally create change have been as much for my children as myself. When I stopped drinking it was for different reasons – my physical and mental health, my marriage, my quality of life, but also my children. I did not want my children growing up with me in that state (and knowing it would only get worse). This was a life altering change I made, but there are many other smaller changes I have made that have equal, or more, impact.
Ultimately, as I became a parent, I found situation after situation where I did not like how I was showing up. What do I mean by this?
My fuse was incredibly short when the crying and tantrums would start.
My expectations of my children were beyond what they could achieve (like responding rationally when it was time to leave the park).
My perfectionism seeped into my parenting, keeping the house in order and my children. PS – there’s nothing perfect about parenting or children! This left no room for self compassion, either.
I didn’t know what self care I needed or how to practice it. Therefore, I would run myself ragged without refilling my cup which just repeated this defeating cycle.
Time is precious as a human. As a parent it can feel even more precious. We want to be present for everything. We need to work, cook, clean, do laundry, plan activities, help them learn, get into camps, teach them to ride a bike and how to swim. From this lens there is little room for ourselves. When I work with moms (and parents in general) there is initially a comment or two like this. “I want to show up differently in situations and for myself but I don’t have any extra time.”. This I understand! When we can barely breathe day-to-day with all of our responsibilities we’re purely surviving.
The beautiful thing about evolution is that it’s a process. (This can also be the hard part because it doesn’t happen overnight). When we’re stretched so thin that we can’t fathom adding another thing to our plate, the smaller the thing the better. This can look different for different people, but frequently I find that 5-10 minutes can be a do-able place to start. What do you need to fill your cup and recharge? Can you do that thing (or a portion of it) in 5-10 minutes, to start? Read a few pages of a book. Listen to a song or two. Just lay down on the floor. Sit in the sun. The key here is to actually schedule it into the day. I even encourage people to schedule it before bedtime. Once bedtime rolls around for the kids and you, it’s usually game over for your energy anyway. Once we start small, like this, we can slowly start to refill our cup which will lay the foundation for more self care and compassion.
In the reality of parenting it’s impossible to be happy all the time, not lose our cool or never need to walk away. There’s a reason why kids are so cute, right?! One school of thought for calming ourselves down is to take deep breaths or count to 10, in order to re-collect ourselves, and continue on. This is great for moments when there is no other choice but to re-collect and continue on. The other thought, though, is that we need to be able to be mad, sad, upset. We need to process these emotions. We’re allowed to feel pissed at our kids! That doesn’t mean we don’t love them. It means we’re human. It’s not a flaw to need to walk away, take time away or go to a safe place where the kids aren't present and scream into a pillow. This is natural processing of emotions – moving emotion out of our body. It’s not OK to scream at our kids, make them feel unloved or flawed. It’s also not a great solution to never show any emotion because then our kids learn that emotions don’t exist. Children learn from their role models and parents are often the number one role model. The way we show up in these difficult situations is teaching our children how to show up. This is one of the primary reasons I continue to show up and do the work on myself. I’m teaching through each and every action – that’s a very large undertaking.
I don’t mean for this to sound heavy or daunting. We all do the best we can with the tools we have as adults and parents. The cool thing is that we can add tools whenever we want and it’s not just tools for us, it’s tools for our children. I’ve said this before, the work we do for us impacts everyone around us. When we make small changes for ourselves we change the trajectory of humanity. Really! When we show up differently – more empathetic, compassionate, kind – to situations, it changes how others walk away from those situations. They feel more love, seen, heard. We feel more connected. It’s the ripple effect that makes such beautiful change for the world, and it starts with us.
As moms we give and give. We fill everyone’s cup first. It’s draining and depleting. When we start to fill our cups, along with others’ cups, we get to fall in line beside them versus being ahead of and behind them. We get to be more present, more content and more fulfilled with our day-to-day lives. On this Mother’s Day, take the 5-10 minutes. Then take it again on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Take it all week. See how you feel!
Interested in evolving? I can help! Book a free call today and see what coaching can do for you.