The 2x4’s of life
Do you ever feel like you’re coasting through life, sailing along feeling good, and then suddenly you’re hit by a 2x4, land on your bum and forget how you were even sailing along to begin with? Not only are you feeling down – sad, mad, irritable, anything other than good – but you feel so far away from where you were that you question whether you were there to begin with – if you ever felt that good.
That’s me right now. This week was not a good week for me mentally. I didn’t have a moment that set it off or a reason why it was so hard. Life unfolded like nearly every other week, complicated, busy and tiring. Except this week I was missing my joy. It was gone. In its place was a familiar foe, seeping in and taking its grip, depression. That heaviness overtaking my entire body. This isn’t the first time it has knocked, desperate to enter, but it was the first time in a long time that I entertained conversations with it. The work I believe in, for myself and others, that I’ve been dedicated to felt like it was slipping through my fingers. What were those tools? How do I use them? Frantically I found myself scouring my notes trying to remember what and how to turn to.
It started last Friday night when another familiar foe visited while I was trying to sleep. Rumination. The endless cycling through scenarios and stories that result in nothing helpful and incite more panic inside of me. It was quite terrifying for me. Not because I think I’m cured of all things hard or challenging, but because it snuck in so quietly and rattled my cage so ferociously. “Where the hell did you come from and how?!” is what I thought. Then, “Holy shit am I starting over?!”. This couldn’t be happening. I had so much time and effort in and come so far in my thoughts, beliefs, behavior, worth and meaning. While I wanted to believe that this asshole couldn’t just swoop in and clear it out, I didn’t. But, I immediately went to my tools of grounding and regulation to help communicate to my body that I was safe.
As the week unfolded I became more and more lost. I had manageable spots, even bright spots, where I’d think “Phew, ok, I’m back.”. Then I’d have a thought, someone would say something to me or my kids would misbehave and I’d be right back on my bum. The space I’d created in myself to hold and manage more in life was shrinking. It got to the point where, even as I sit here today (Saturday) writing this post, I feel lost. In fact, I wasn’t going to write at all this week. While I can say I don’t feel as though I have much positive to write about, being in the headspace I am now, I refuse to believe that statement is completely true. What I have to offer is sharing where I am today.
I don’t have all of the answers – I don’t have it all figured out.
I am learning everyday and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
Progress and growth isn’t linear.
I will always have highs and lows.
All I can do is try.
I’m still scouring my notes, working with my coach and communicating openly with my husband about how shitty I feel. I’m owning it. I’m committed to feeling it - the crying, the anger, the lethargy. I’m also committed to respecting those feelings and listening to what my body says I need. I’m showing up for myself, even if it means that the house is a mess, laundry isn’t done and I don’t feel great about what tomorrow will be. I’m just trying. I’ll keep it short and sweet because while I want to be transparent about my journey, this is all I have to give this week.
I know many people have these times in their lives, too. It’s OK to talk about them and be honest about how they’re affecting us. We’re human. Be kind to yourself.