Let’s talk panic attacks
I have panic attacks. They’re debilitating, scary, maddening and deflating. The intensity of them as they flood in can feel like I’m being pulled under by a strong wave in the ocean. A black hole where normal body and brain functions start to shut down. A literal physical reaction to fear, even if I’m technically safe, where my body goes into primal survival mode. A combination of flight and freeze responses.
My panic attacks started over a decade ago and they have been mostly limited to my professional work situations. Although, they have made a few non-work appearances when meeting new people or my day-to-day life is very stressful. At work, they show up in many different ways. If I need to present something, when I’m put on the spot in a meeting, when I’m asked a question out of the blue/need to answer something for the group, when I need to chime in during a meeting or when I’m meeting new people (especially people more senior than me). Here's one typical example: I have to present something in front of others. This could be my direct peers, the team I manage, a small group or a large group – doesn’t matter. To be very clear, panic attacks are much more than just being anxious or nervous before presenting. They’re all consuming – starting with low anxiety and nervousness and blossoming into full panic with primal mammal instincts and reactions. This kind of reaction then can lay the pathway for the “fear of the panic attack”. When panic attacks start occurring, many people can start fearing them happening before they even happen. Bonkers, right? This can feel like an impossible-to-conquer endless loop of horror!
Let me unpack the specific example, from above, for you. Here is what occurs:
I am asked to present something (to a single person or group of people): Initial panic feeling where my stomach drops immediately, my mind starts racing, and worry sets in.
I try to give myself an immediate pep talk: Reminding myself that this is my job, it’ll be great, I know this stuff. I continue with reassuring myself that I’m safe and end with “Let’s kick this panic attack bullshit in the ass!”. (Pardon my language, I do loathe these).
Cyclical thoughts I have in the weeks leading up to the date: Out of the blue, stomach dropping; instant worry when I see the date and know it’s coming up, reminding myself that I’m (likely overly) prepared, a zen-like attitude that I will not give the panic attack my energy.
Day of thoughts: As I start the day I am slowly pulled into the swirl of the panic by physically feeling tense, not being present with my family in the morning or during other meetings, cycling through my pre-panic rituals which include mediation, very positive self talk, journaling and practicing my talk track to prepare.
At the presentation time: Despite all of the planning and preparedness, I’m sweating and cold, physically shaking, my is heart racing with a deafening loud heart rate, I have a very strong desire to flee or somehow get out of the presentation, frustration with my panic response and I am convinced I will not be able to even open my mouth to speak (and definitely will not be able to speak at all).
The energy spent and physical toll that a panic attack has on an individual is LARGE. You've likely heard of folks going to the emergency room thinking they’re having a heart attack only to find that they’re actually having a panic attack. It can be that heavy of a physical response. I’ve been light headed and gasping for air trying to present something as unimportant as an email. Seriously. It’s not the content (more on that in a moment). After a panic attack it takes me a full day to recover. My brain and body are exhausted. I’m cloudy, not clear headed and very tired. Any normal activity takes a lot of effort.
If you're thinking this sounds dramatic, I promise you that it’s not. It’s a real, uninflated depiction of what I go through when I have a panic attack. Over the last decade I have put a lot of time and effort into fixing myself from these panic attacks. I’ve been terrified of them, had extreme hatred toward them and even considered quitting my job. What I’ve learned has been a process of how to approach them but more so how to approach myself – my beliefs and patterns. Like I said, it’s not the content. Majority of the time I’m presenting on something that I’ve worked very hard on. A lot of people would geek out at the opportunity to shine and toot their horn to showcase their hard work. Not me, I’d rather do all of the work and let someone else present it.
In my work to help myself with panic attacks I’ve studied others presenting and asked mentors for advice, tips and tricks. Studying others created more anxiety because it reinforced a belief that I was broken and not cut out for the job. This isn’t true, I learned. Only when I started looking inward and exploring myself was I able to uncover some reasons. I discovered beliefs about others and myself that were working against me. The interesting part about this discovery is that they are not beliefs unique to panic attacks or my job – they show up in many other areas of my life, just in different ways.
I’ve actually written on many of the areas I’ve discovered that influence, impact and trigger panic attacks.
Perfectionism: A fear of not presenting something (or being) perfect and not being the best. Also, a fear of not having all of the answers.
Sizing others up: I can easily think everyone else better, smarter and more prepared. This can circle right back to perfectionism or it can bring me back to my birth order, which is last, and reinforce my beliefs that everyone has been there, done that and what I’m doing isn’t that great or important.
Performance - A+ student: Similar to perfectionism I can desperately strive to be the A+ student which leaves little for being human. All business and no fun.
Be seen, not heard: A belief that I need to be really great but also fly under the radar. Don’t rock the boat and keep the peace but also be sure I’m performing at high levels.
Achievements = Worth or My Work = My Worth as a human on this earth. The need for clear achievement (by being perfect) in order to feel worthy as a person (mother, partner, sister, daughter, friend) and employee.
Can you see the way these overlap and intertwine? A complex web that’s nearly impossible to escape. It sets me up for constant effort with little reward. It doesn’t provide any room to be human and to make mistakes. It’s suffocating and stifling. I knew that I could not continue to live this way, so I needed to work on those beliefs, which is exactly what I’ve been doing.
Today, my panic symptoms are sometimes less. I love being able to write in my gratitude journal “no panic attack”. It’s a 50/50 chance, meaning that I cannot prevent them all of the time, but that’s OK, for now. I’ll keep working on these beliefs for my own personal growth which extends to my professional growth as well. It is so clear to me, now, that our beliefs, patterns and tendencies are not present at certain times, places and situations. Meaning that a work belief plays a role as a personal belief – and vice versa – because it is all ONE belief. When we show up as the whole human we are, we can shift beliefs and make change in every environment. Today, I want to be free from beliefs that hold me back – there’s so much beauty in this evolution. The work is hard but the reward is too great not to try.