How big is my basket?
It’s very much been a changing of seasons for me, over the last month 6-8 weeks. I’ve been taking some time to integrate all of the self work I committed to, in depth, over the last 1.5 years. It was time to sit back and just live, while using the tools I had acquired. I’ve had grace for myself as I hit uncomfortable bumps, trust in my intuition as I’ve learned about large unknown factors that could change my day -to-day work and patience as I stumbled to remember my roots in the work I’ve done. I would say that I’ve been cautiously riding this wave of a new season…until I wasn’t.
Recently, over the last week or two, I realized that I have reverted back to some old habits. Stewing, spinning, ruminating – whichever term you like! – over unknowns. Grasping for a false sense of control over what’s coming next for myself and my family in different forms. And also, a state of confusion on whether I’m sitting back, trusting the process and timing OR I am avoiding the decisions (or passing them off)? Unease, overall, has been the biggest sign. I think that I developed a nice comfy cushion through my self work that I’ve been sitting on, knowing I can deal with whatever made its way to me. But recently, I’ve been sitting off to the side. Defaulting back to my old coping-with-life strategies – which no longer serve me well.
Glenon Doyle interviewed Susan Stabile on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things and Susan said something that really stuck with me – because I'm such a thinker. “You can’t manage your feelings with thinking. You can only manage them with doing. After you commit to doing, then you get to think about which of the possibilities of doing you should follow through with that will respect your feelings and the feelings of other people. But if you don’t do, then you don’t stop long enough and you know what you do? You over personalize.”
So what now? Now, I go back to basics. I get still more often and meditate or even just try to not think for a few minutes. When I’m ruminating on things I don’t even realize how much chatter is occurring. Chatter on the topic I’m worried about, but also, that chatter opens up like a wound that questions everything about myself, my life, my worth, my friendships and so on. It’s a black hole kind of wound. So I have to get quiet. Revisit my values. Revisit myself and what’s important to me. I revisit 8 year old Emily and let her know she doesn’t need to try to take over, or worry or try to figure anything out – that 41 year old Emily will take that burden off of her. I DO the work. These are all DOING things instead of living up in my head, thinking.
When I start to re-lay the foundation for myself I’m able to pull up out of the chaos of life and be in a better position to navigate the twists and turns that are inevitable. I’m able to have a clearer mind when I’m approaching challenges and trust myself more about the decisions I’m making. Perhaps most of all, I’m able to see myself in a way that I love and respect versus over-think things and questioning my worth.
This kind of ebb and flow will not change, because that’s life. Things will happen. What I’m most aware of now is my tolerance for holding life. How big is my basket that holds all of the curveballs, hardships and disappointments that life tosses my way? Is my basket big enough to hold everything? If it’s not big enough, then I go back to basics and try to rebuild it.
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