Our cups fill our children’s cups
On one hand, I’d consider myself pretty knowledgeable about parenting. I’ve been in the game just shy of 6 years and I have two children. So yeah, a few different lenses of experience from baby, to toddler, to elementary school. Then I have weeks where I know that I really know nothing. Parenting truly is making it all up as we go along. Which is comforting, to know I’m not alone, but also extremely frightening because I know how easily I can get it wrong. That’s the rub for me though – getting it wrong. This kind of thinking reinforces there’s a right to begin with. What does right mean? It depends on the parent(s), I’d say – beliefs, religions, individual upbringing and conditioning we've encountered ourselves, cycles we want to break. I’ve become really attune to this variety of possibilities and it’s also the same conflicting feeling of there being no true playbook and knowing it’s all up to my partner and me to determine. PRESSURE!
There are definitely some things I want to break the cycle of, even if that cycle is one cycle of me and my own baggage. There’s also much more data, points of view and ideas at our fingertips these days than, literally, ever before. This is where all of the self development work we do as individuals can play a positive role in what we’re passing on (intentionally or unintentionally) to our children. If we haven’t stopped recently to determine what our values are or why we respond, react and think the way we do, we’re unconsciously passing things to our children. I’ve said before that the self development work we do is for ourselves, but, it’s also for everyone else we encounter in the world.
We recently took our oldest child to Disneyland – a magic and exhausting adventure. Last time I posted I wrote about our baskets and whether they’re big enough to hold what life throws our way. I lost count of how many times I thought about this post on my trip to Disneyland. It was utter proof that my basket was the biggest it’s ever been in my life. There was pure physical exhaustion, poor sleep, poor nutrition, over stimulation and heat. A lot to handle and function well within, as an adult. Then, there was our little five year old dealing with the same circumstances in a smaller body and with a smaller/less developed brain. I had to compensate for her by being able to handle the meltdowns with compassion when I had no energy left. I had to pick her up and carry her when she was physically and emotionally spent. It was important to me that I teach her, in this moment, that what she was feeling was normal and to validate her feelings – including the meltdowns. So often, as an adult, I’m trying hard to function well, be empathetic and not react as a jerk. As a parent, we also need to help our children understand what they’re going through, have compassion and empathy for them and not show up as a jerk. It’s the hardest job on earth.
When we talk about how children learn to regulate through us, as parents, first, it becomes evident in moments like Disneyland. My job as a parent DOES include more than keeping them alive :) So if I’m unable to do this for myself, how will my children learn? They won’t. Instead, they’ll learn other poor coping mechanisms that will not serve them for their lifetime and they’ll be looking for an escape or re-route to avoid feeling bad. This might seem dire, but it’s true. I try to express to my oldest, when she's having a hard time that I’ve been where she is or I’ve felt the same way – AND, yeah, it really stinks. Oftentimes I can see her relief in her eyes because I’m normalizing and validating it for her. I’m not telling her that “Everything will be fine.” I’m sitting in the s**t with her because that's where she is and I’m not afraid to be there with her. It’s powerful.
As parents we have the opportunity to be powerful in positive ways for our children. It needs to start with us, first.
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