Intuition and getting curious
I’ve made the most conscious effort of my life, over the last year, to get more connected to my intuition. If you’ve read my previous posts, I’ve mentioned that, in my experience, relying on a substance or having an addiction of any kind makes it very difficult to trust myself. It’s a terrible feeling when others are not able to trust you. But, when you cannot genuinely not trust yourself, it’s an overwhelming feeling of doubt and doom. I remember when I was in recovery for my drug addiction and I would hear daily how I needed to build the trust of others. That alone was overwhelming. A true make or break situation for the relationships in my life. I felt this sadness deep down because I didn’t trust myself, so how in the world could I gain the trust of others? It was a set up, a set up for failure. I felt this impostor syndrome of trust for decades later as I turned to alcohol, my eating disorder and relationships that didn’t serve me well. I looked to the outside for approval. “Hey, see me now? I have a ‘real’ job and I’m dating an adult with a ‘real’ job”. I tried to validate myself and my existence through others – they’re legit so I’m legit by association, right? Hindsight being everything, this was such a dead end. Those people didn’t love me. They couldn’t have, because they couldn’t truly see me.
I wonder sometimes how I got so lucky with my husband. When we met, I’d been out of a serious relationship for a bit and had spent more time alone, on my own, than I had in my entire life. I think it offered me the opportunity to reflect on past relationships and know what I didn’t want from a relationship. I wasn’t where I am today, in terms of healing, but luckily I was far enough along that I could accept this man might love me. Far enough long to not sabotage it, thankfully.
The approach of validation through achievement and external associations meant I needed to perform and achieve. It set a very rigid lane to stay in. Follow the rules, AKA the beliefs of my unique conditioning, and things will work out. It left no room for creativity. It wasn’t until I started writing a year ago did that childhood love return. I used to love writing, and I’d buried it somewhere along the way. Writing is an outlet for my feelings and thoughts and, newly, a way to connect with others. So many people have reached out. People close to me but also people I haven’t connected with in years. This makes me so happy! The connection is a core reason for my writing today, but I don’t rely on acknowledgment to fuel it. That’s a large distinction for me.
Getting back in touch with my intuition has been uncomfortable, to say the least. My coach is probably laughing at that sentence! I’ve told her many times how uncomfortable I am (in less flattering language). What I am, much more than uncomfortable, is open to feeling joy, good enough, love and whole. On my website’s page My Story (which houses this post) is Glennon Doyle’s quote from her book Untamed. “What is better: uncomfortable truth or comfortable lies? Every truth is a kindness, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Every untruth is an unkindness, even if it makes others comfortable.” I’ve never met anyone that likes confrontation or serious talks. It’s not pleasant. I think what makes it worth it, is the leaps and bounds of progress that can occur and the growth it can bring to individuals.
In my journey back to my intuition I’ve looked more closely at my responses and reactions to circumstances and situations. I say responses AND reactions because those are two very different things. I can have a reaction to something. Or, I can choose how I respond to something. The space between the situation and the response is where I’ve looked the hardest. I’ve examined what makes me react and how I’m reacting. What’s the trigger preceding the reaction and then, what’s my actual reaction, which includes my physical body’s reaction. Spoiler alert, this can happen in our intimate relationships, family relationship, parenting and work lives – belief patterns cannot discriminate and they seep into every part of our lives. But, there’s help!
For example, my husband and I have been triaging sleep issues with one of our children. What we thought was a normal regression has turned into a 5-6 month regression, which makes it not a regression and more of a problem! I’m someone that needs my 8 hours of sleep. My husband can run pretty easily on less sleep. I wear earplugs because I’m a light sleeper and need silence. He doesn’t wear ear plugs even though he’s a light sleeper. As A result, he hears our child more often than I do. I’ve told my husband a thousand times to wake me up and we’ll take turns, but he never does.
My internal reactions:
Feeling as though I’m not contributing or pulling my weight in the situation
Feeling resentful toward my child for waking up and my husband for not waking me up
Hyper aware and restless trying to get my 8 hours of sleep
Anxious every morning wondering if I missed a wake up
Worried my husband was letting this all pile up until he resented me for it
Feeling unsafe in our relationship
Suddenly every little issue was a big issue
Misreading more and more of his tone and statements as being mad at me
All of those thoughts, feelings, changes in my body are the result of something not sitting well with me. This is a great opportunity to get curious and start examining things for myself. When I say get curious, it’s really just asking questions::
Why do I think I am feeling these things?
What belief(s) do I have that is not being met in this situation?
Do I know where this belief is stemming from?
What physical response am I having in my body to the belief not being met?
Am I projecting expectations on myself and others (my child and husband)?
Recently, with this situation, I answered some of these questions:
Why do I think I am feeling these things? → At my core I’m not feeling good enough as a mother or wife because I’m unable to get my child to sleep and unable to wake up
What belief(s) that I have that is not being met in this situation? → I’m not a good mother because I can’t figure out why my child cannot sleep through the night. If I’m not getting up every time, or at all, then I am not doing enough. If I’m not doing it all, then I’m lazy. If I’m not doing it all then I’m unloveable. My performance in this situation determines whether I’m loveable.
Do I know where this is stemming from? → Conditioning that doing it all (plus the GO GO GO mentality of so many parents!) and achievements = good enough and lovable. Worthiness comes down to whether I’m performing well enough.
What physical response am I having in my body to the belief not being met? → Anxious, tense muscles, no room for laughing or lightness, heaviness / weight on my chest and shoulders, pit of my stomach dread.
Am I projecting expectations on myself and my husband? → HELL YES!
So what did I do? I did this exact exercise! I listened to my body, got curious and asked myself questions. Then, I sat my husband down and explained it all. To be able to express what’s going on with me, at such a deep level, is incredibly validating, too. I feel in tune with my body, my reactions and responses and I’m now in tune with my husband in this situation. I don’t wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders wondering if our child woke up. Oh, guess what?! I heard our child the other night and my husband did not! Not that anyone is keeping score…🙂
In previous years I would have taken out my earplugs for good, been unhappy with my child and husband (and the world!) and blamed it on shit just being hard and not fun. The adulting is hard approach. It would have impacted my health from a stress level, sleep level and likely my good ole eating disorder would have come into play to feel a sense of control over something. Not today! Different tools!
Our toolkits change as we go through life. So can our coping mechanisms. What served us when we were 5, 10, 20, 25, 35 will not serve us, in a positive way, forever. It’s ok to go revisit them and make changes. The changes we make for ourselves impact everyone around us. As a parent, that is especially important to me. All of my efforts toward growth are as much for myself as they are for my children. Our children’s nervous systems learn from ours. I don’t want to put the weight of mine on them.
Gone on and get ya some new shiny tools!
Curious about these tools and how my coaching services might benefit you? Book a free call today or just shoot me an email!
Sources: Glennon Doyle, Untamed. The Dial Press, 2020.