Trial and error
This week I’ve had a lot of opportunities to practice some of what I preach and use my tools. Nothing extremely significant occurred and nothing bad happened. As I worked with myself through certain circumstances and others with their unique circumstances a common theme kept surfacing.
Trial and error.
I’ve written about this idea of trial and error in previous posts but under different terminology. Being a work in progress or in a state of constant evolution, whichever way you state it, the point is growth. Growth can encompass so much, too. Growth from substance abuse, in a daily routine like working out, eating differently, how you may approach a situation or how you speak to yourself or others. Each journey of growth is unique in that it has its own set of goals, hurdles and background context. When we get into a mindset of creating change in our lives we sometimes can see it as black and white. I either get it or I don’t. I do it or I don’t. I succeed or fail. YIKES! The pressure alone can be nearly too much to start.
If we think about teaching a child to ride a bike, do we expect them to get it on the first try? Nope. Do we expect them to fall sometimes, even after they get the hang of it? Yep. So then why do we set ourselves up differently when we’re trying something new? I can even translate this into a work example. When someone gets hired do we expect them to know and understand everything about our company immediately? Geez, I hope not. Do we teach and train them? Geez, I hope so. Do we expect they will have questions or make a mistake? That’s human. We’re not robots in our lives or our jobs. That would be much easier, I think. Reprogram me please!!!!
Here we introduce another key component for success.
Self compassion.
I’ve written about self compassion as well, as it’s been key to my growth. It is the newly laid foundation for my success and attempts at change, overall. But it’s something I have had to learn and practice, because negative self-talk has been running routes and laying tracks in my brain for decades! It’s a daily notice + reminder practice as well as an in-the-moment practice. Both are vital to me at this point.
Buuut….both of these are also easy to forget. I try to tie these two pillars of success to change into as many conversations with my clients as possible. I also try to remind myself of them as often as possible. Sometimes I forget, like this week. A situation occurred that was last minute, required a lot of things to plan for and many hoops to jump through – all to make the situation come to fruition. It’s a trip, by the way. So, something exciting, with people I really like and a rare opportunity. Exciting, right?!! Excitement and anxiety run on the same train in our nervous systems and I’ve been programmed to feel anxiety when that track is being used. So, my default was anxiety, which translated to not sleeping well, second guessing things, feeling stressed and short tempered. It was almost overnight that my day-to-day presence changed in terms of my overall being, happiness and let’s be honest, approachability. I’ve been practicing my tools long enough that I knew I needed to journal what I was feeling in my body and try to get at the roots of my thinking. I also knew I needed to phone a friend (IE my coach). What I learned over the course of a few days was:
This is last minute – pivoting and going with the flow can be hard for me.
This is directly tied to my desire to control situations. This situation I had only some control over. Another trigger.
This ties into my fear of unknowns. If I don’t know what to expect then I don’t know how to control the outcome.
The solution, leaning into my self trust and intuition. I dove deeper into these areas and explored more.
What was coming up in my body – tension, stiffness, rigidity, bubble guts.
How do I verbalize what I’m worried, unsure, stressed about and why that thing?
What if this or that happens, then what?
This exercise not only helped me organize what was happening in my body and brain but it also calmed me. Rumination is the endless looping of thoughts and what if’s. It’s a loop because there is no end, but it’s a dead end to begin with if you ask me. As soon as I start looping a thought, I know I need to do this exercise, because there’s more to uncover. I’ve had to do this journal and meditation everyday in order to recenter and return to that calmness. What makes this tool so great is that it’s always within reach and accessible. Accompanying this exercise I intentionally talked positively to myself in those moments of frazzle, overwhelm and scaredness. We’re not robots, remember?
Coming back to my two themes here:
I still fumbled and struggled. I got frustrated with myself initially. “Why can’t I do this?”. “What’s wrong with me, this is a cool opportunity!?”. That’s because I'm a work in progress and someone who is constantly evolving. It’s all trial and error!
I recentered daily in my journaling and/or meditation with self compassion. I also used this technique to set the stage for the day as well as in those hard moments. I spoke to myself in the same way I was approaching the subject with my five year old. I deserve validation, reassurance and caring connection, too!
This may seem like a silly example, but it’s the small things that add up and it’s the small things that lay the foundation for how we handle the BIG things that life inevitably throws our way. This is precisely the concept of coaching and how I help others. Take something big or difficult and break it down into small actionable steps. Steps that can be accomplished. Retrain the brain at each step and see those small steps become big changes. It’s a beautiful thing! I don’t think we ever overcome or defeat things. I think we learn to understand them better and, in turn, understand ourselves and others better.
Start small. Change is a lot of trial and error. Be kind to yourself.