The legs of my eating disorder
My eating disorder has grown different kinds of legs and morphed into new ways of disordered eating and thought patterns throughout the years. I was originally diagnosed with anorexia at 19, and since then I have had many forms of disordered eating and thinking. While I’m no longer 90 lbs (now, a more “normal weight”), my thoughts, fears and tendencies for disordered eating have run rampant over the years. In my twenties I would restrict food in the morning and binge at night. This lasted into my early 30’s. I even had a period of binging and purging in my late 20’s. Then, it eventually became more restricting and less binging. Even to this day, my normal eating habits are less food in the morning and more at night. Why, I wonder? A false sense of control, maybe. The legs of my eating disorder sprawled into my exercising routines as well, long after my treatment for anorexia was over. Over exercising was never something I did when I was in the depths of anorexia. Odd for an anorexic, I was told during my inpatient program, as they sat in my room at night watching me sleep to ensure I wasn’t exercising in private.
From my mid-20’s to mid-30’s, running was my main source of exercise. I was doing more distance running, some races and it felt good to set goals and achieve them. I felt healthy in the sense that I was a runner. I liked that title. Over the last year and half I’ve run less and less as I began listening to my body more. The pounding of the pavement every day I could feel in my joints and muscles. The rigidity of being tied to one thing. I decided to do more walking and biking. When I started to shift my exercise routine I noticed how attached I was to it, and some of the negative thoughts that started creeping in, about doing less intense exercise. For example, I wouldn't be burning as many calories so I’d need to be more mindful of food intake. Read more accurately in my mind as “You’re going to need to eat less.”. But, I didn’t want to do this. This was eating disorder thinking. I wasn’t an elite athlete carb loading for runs. Why couldn’t I just listen to my body to tell me if I was hungry or not? I had to completely shift my mindset from exercise for image, meaning figure and weight, to exercise for health and purely for movement of my body and endorphins.
When it came to listening to my body to tell me if I was hungry or not, this was much harder. I haven’t trusted myself for this kind of information in all of my adult years. What did taking care of my body by listening to hunger cues really entail? How could I move away from guilt when I was simply eating or even if I did over-indulge? This required trusting my appetite and body. There’s that trust thing again! I needed to trust myself to make decisions for myself. This might seem baffling to people – and I hope it does – but I think more people will relate than one might think. Even if you’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, you may have, at one point, had some kind of disordered eating or thinking. Pay attention and see what you uncover for yourself.
Recently, I have been noticing my energy on weekends crashing more often throughout the day. Yes, it’s summer, which means it’s always busy and go-go-go with small children. Parks, pool, sports, sun and heat. But, my tendency to have a shorter fuse as the morning goes on, and sometimes again in the afternoons, left me feeling frustrated and flawed. Then it hit me. Food. All the listening and being more loving with my food intake flies out the window on the weekends. Why? My routine changes a lot between weekends and weekdays. Am I simply crashing from not having enough fuel? When I think about it, it makes sense. Now I need to re-configure my weekend food intake to better fit my lifestyle AND trust myself to make the right decisions about what foods and what amounts I need.
I have zero data right now, but I can say that I’m excited for this change. The great thing about this is that it isn’t just for me. Another real-life example of how I can make small changes that have a larger, ripple, effect. How?
Showing up better for my kids and husband because I’m not running on empty.
Feeling better and having more energy for myself. Feeling tired sucks!
To prove, to me, that I can trust myself.
Another eating disorder area discovered and (hopefully) eliminated.
Simply being intentional about taking care of my mental and physical health.
I think we can all be on auto-pilot in so many areas of our lives. From routines, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors and reactions. It’s not until we slow down, pay more attention and notice them that we can then try doing something different. Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” That’s truly all we can do.
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