Me + My Marriage
My husband and I went away for a couple of nights for our anniversary. This is the second time in 5.5 years we’ve done this. The first time was 7 months ago. This is neither good nor bad, just a benchmark for context. The first time it was very weird and almost scary, leaving the kids completely for a couple of days (even though it was with people we knew well and trusted). This time, while all of that was still important, the focus was on us and our well being. Sure, we went away for our anniversary so you might think it was for romantic well being. The truth is that it was more mental health focused for us as individuals. We were both needing a major recharge from work and kids.
A few things that stuck out to me about myself and my marriage.
Back to basics: When my husband and I are on our own, like this, it’s so refreshing how quickly we slip back into the basics that laid the foundation for our relationship. In all of the ups and downs, of nearly every moment of a day, with little kids, it can be easy to become one another’s targets. I’m not talking about arguments, but more so annoyances. “Ugh I can hear you chewing.”! One of the foundational pieces we laid for our relationship, that I noticed and appreciated early on, is silence. We can be silent but next to one another and there is no frantic thinking about making conversation or wondering what the other is thinking. That’s space to simply be! And that space is exactly what we each needed. The overstimulation of life can be draining and I'm grateful to have a partner in which I can take a vacation with and be silent sometimes. No strings attached. I will say that this took me some effort to accept and settle into, early in our relationship. My hypervigilant self wants to be assessing every moment and planning what’s next. What I realized on this trip was that my husband helped me learn how to simply be, years ago. He created a safe environment and relationship where I didn’t need to be ten steps ahead. I just needed to simply be; right beside him.
Reinforcing our partnership: My husband said, on our anniversary, “I’d like to think that even if we didn’t have kids, we’d still be together.”. It might seem easy to think, duh, but really think about this. He was saying that despite all that we’ve created – our family and the lives we live – we, as in the two of us, are the core of it all. It’s eye-opening to think about whether we’d be together if we had not built this family. What a thought! When he said this, I think I snorted and agreed. But, I kept thinking about this simple, yet powerful, statement. It means more to me, right now, than any other way he could profess his love to me. That statement affirms our relationship. It brings it back to us.
Romance and sex: is important, but it’s certainly not everything. As I’ve gone through this journey to understand and love myself – and find my joy – I have realized that romance and sex wasn’t what I needed it to be. Society tells us, as men and women, our roles, what’s sexy and what’s not. Couple that with trauma to the sexual part of my body and it’s just different. I know this might be a sensitive topic, for many reasons, but for me it’s important, and another piece of the puzzle to understanding myself. Romance and sex wasn’t front and center of our trip, and that’s OK. I’m in a relationship and partnership where my worth doesn’t revolve about being sexy and that feels empowering. This plays an important role in how I’m accepting and loving my body – post eating disorder, post pregnancy, post delivery, post nursing and simply being middle aged. My body plays a POWERFUL role. Sex is one, but it’s not all.
Seasons: I took this trip as an opportunity to have no agenda. Outside of hiking around and checking some places out along the way, we didn’t have plans. Not even dinner plans for our anniversary. This also meant I didn’t have an agenda for any self-work or coaching business or writing or meditation or whatever. I only did something if I wanted to do it. I took an ‘off season’ for a few days! It was exactly what I needed. We run a tight ship at home – it’s necessary with little kids – for them and us. To have no agenda or schedule used to be a hard thing for me. This time it was as if my body was rejecting any kind of agenda. Even when my thoughts went toward “OK let’s plan the day.” I just could not do it. I was letting go, and it was freeing and refueling at the same time.
Reflecting back on this time I realize that I have come out of this trip feeling very connected to my husband. I feel grounded in our relationship, our commitment to one another and, also, to our kids. I feel extreme gratitude to be where I am today - physically, mentally and spiritually. It’s a feeling I didn’t know was possible for decades as I gripped the fears, expectations and societal norms so tightly that I lost the grip on myself. I lost the meaning of my life, consumed with shoulds and coulds and don’ts and dos…I’m happy to be where I am today. The weight is there, it's just feathers instead of stone. At least for this moment.
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