Our fertility journey
My husband and I were not the couple that brought children into our lives easily. We didn’t have the linear path and timeline I see so many others on. In fact, many of the women I’m closest to struggled to grow their families, too. Today starts National Infertility Awareness Week, an initiative that encourages women to share their stores. Infertility doesn’t discriminate and so many couples face challenges. I typically do not keep track of these weeks, but maybe I should, to support others by sharing more of my story.
My husband and I met a little later in life. We weren’t sure that children were in our futures, based on past relationships and the fact that we were getting older. We met, got married two years later and decided to try. See what happened. At this point I knew I wanted children with him. I knew he’d make an incredible dad based on how he treated me along with our nieces and nephews. Our journey has a few parts because what started as fertility challenges ended with complete infertility.
Over the course of six years our journey looks roughly like this:
Not getting pregnant → Fertility meds → Pregnant → Miscarriage → Back on birth control → Fertility meds → Surgery → Fertility meds → HSG (dye test) → Fertility meds → Ovary cysts stop fertility meds → Pregnant → Brith → Complete Infertility → Adoption process → 2 year wait → Matched & placed.
I want to break this down, because when I put it in this format it’s a means to an end and a success story. Ultimately a fertility journey wants to be a means to an end and a success story but it removes the important parts that, I believe, we need to share more about. Normalize how hard this is. The process, the struggle, the heartache, the physical pain, the financial burden, the emotional instability and the relationship strains. IT IS UGLY. And if you’re lucky enough to have or be placed with a child, then society says “See? Worth It!”. It is worth it, but it’s hard as hell.
Like many other women, I didn’t think I’d have a problem getting pregnant. When we realized we needed help it was a mix of relief and self doubt. What’s wrong with me, my body? I felt ashamed. We got pregnant rather quickly (within a few months), the first time, after starting fertility meds and I thought that was going to be it. A little jump start and here we go. We were planning to tell my parents on an upcoming visit to see us. We did a cute little announcement and then a couple of days before they arrived we found out that I was having a miscarriage. I could let nature take its course or speed the process up. I chose the latter because I also had an upcoming work camping trip (yes, work camping trip) and I didn’t want to be camping and having a miscarriage. To my surprise, this is exactly what happened. I had the miscarriage during the work camping trip. It was the worst, as you’d expect. My body was not ready to let go and the process dragged out. So much so that I needed to restart birth control pills to stop my body from continuous bleeding, 3 months later. My husband and I mourned the loss of that baby. Some people said “It’s totally normal and it happens.” which made me feel worse. Others supported us with their presence, through listening and space. That’s the thing, it seems that it is either / or in this situation, I found.
As we continued along our fertility journey I had surgery and testing and more fertility meds. We became very familiar with the two week wait. Everything was on a schedule. Take meds on day X, have sex on day X, test on day X. Wait and see. Negative. Everything became mechanical – only a means to an end. The fun and life sucked out of our day to day. Everyone around us was pregnant, it seemed. It’s so hard to see outside of this schedule and it’s one track mindset.
One month we had to take a break from fertility meds because I had cysts on my ovaries (from the fertility meds). The next step, after this month off, was to try one more med and then start IVF (In vitro fertilization). I’m grateful we didn’t have to go on the IVF journey, like so many others. Our doctor told us to still give it a whirl, so we did, AND I got pregnant. The moment we saw that faint line our lives changed. Utter fear of losing another baby. I literally didn’t want to move. We didn’t tell anyone outside of close family and family until nearly 20 weeks (halfway through my pregnancy). We didn’t know what we were having, boy or girl, and we honestly didn’t care. I never breathed a sigh of relief until she was born and in my arms. I LOVED being pregnant, which I know is a privileged experience to have. As we approached her due date I was just fine going to term and I didn’t want the experience to end. But, babies must come out….
So she did – labor and delivery went very smoothly, no issues. After she was born, as I held her to my chest and we took our first pictures and videos, things started to change. There were complications and I was losing a lot of blood, which the doctors and nurses were monitoring every 10 minutes. About an hour after she was born I told my husband I was going to pass out, and I did. When I came back to consciousness, still in our delivery room, the room was filled with nurses and doctors. There was more pain now than when I had just given birth naturally (without pain meds). They quickly wheeled me down to the operating room. Several hours later I woke up, in a post operation recovery area, in pain and not sure what had happened. My husband was called to come down and see me. I asked him what happened and he said that they tried for a long time to stop the bleeding but that they could not. He said they were losing me and he had to make the decision to give me a partial hysterectomy. They took my uterus out, and they had to in order to save my life. So my new daughter wouldn’t be going home without a mother. My husband wouldn’t be going home as a new father but without his wife. This also rendered me completely infertile. (As it turned out, I had a rare condition that caused this).
Not surprisingly, I didn’t process the infertility at first. I was healing from a natural birth and abdominal surgery, I was a new mom, I was tired, I was grateful, and a little bit in denial. In the first year I remember I would find myself thinking hard about how I could get pregnant, as if I could figure this thing out! I think I just couldn’t process it. My ability to have another child no longer existed, period. There was no hack for this. I had to grieve this, and I eventually did, to the best of my ability. I still have my moments of sadness and what ifs that play out in my mind, but mostly I’m truly grateful for being able to carry a child.
As an infertile couple, we decided to explore other ways to grow our family. We started the adoption process in 2019, not an easy or quick process. Home studies each year, endless paperwork, physicals, background checks, disclosure of everything, and money. More so than these, it was the waiting and the rejections. We were presented (that we know of) to over 30 birth mothers, who all chose another family, before one chose us in 2021. Everyone in the adoption community uses sayings like “Your baby is out there.” or “There’s a reason this one didn’t work out.”. It’s all really hard to accept and not wonder – once again – what’s wrong with me? When we got the call it was April Fools day, late in the afternoon. I came down from my office and told my husband we were chosen as a family for a baby boy. He said “Is this an April Fools joke?”. It was not! From there it was a whirlwind and happened quickly and our son completed our family.
Our adoption journey evolves to this day. Yes, we were placed and finalized (he’s legally our child), but his story continues to evolve. There are more people to consider, outside of our families, as we look to build relationships with his biological family. We have an open adoption, so we can try to build these relationships and pull in every single person, that is willing and able, from each family to love him. This circle of love is what we’re trying to create for him, but it’s all new for us to navigate and still very much unfolding.
Now, as a family of four, deep in the grind of day to day and raising these children, I still think about the moments that lead to this life we live now. I’m extremely grateful. These weeks or months, now dedicated to awareness of certain things, surface the memories up, too. Every story and situation is unique. I hope by sharing more along with other people sharing, there will be more knowledge out here for others as they start their journeys to building families. By sharing, we can create more connections with one another – and that’s a pretty big reason to share!