Sizing someone up sizes us down
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Essentially, we should not make assumptions about someone based on their outer appearance. Sizing someone up. Similarly, making assumptions based on one or two things we know about the person. We all do this subconsciously to some degree because our brains are constantly processing data and to the brain, this is data. It takes intentional effort to recognize biases or judgements toward others (and ourselves). What can make this harder to do is our conditioning through upbringing and societal norms. Judgments are not there as infants or children. They’re created along the way.
We see this, most notably, in the form of prejudice and discrimination. Assumptions about someone based on our belief systems, that ultimately make that person not good enough in our point of view. This is harmful to individuals, groups and humanity as a whole. It breeds injustice and hate. Kudos to those that have unconditioned themselves from belief systems and welcomed people with open minds. This is what it takes to breed love, acceptance and a greater good.
There are other forms of this though and these are the ones that hold us, as individuals, back from growth and self acceptance of ourselves. They still create false assumptions from the information we think we know about others but the impact is internalized.
Creating a storyline about someone that’s not harmful to others.
The difference here is that when we’re sizing someone up based on one or a few facts, it’s not necessarily a harmful size up that results in prejudice or discrimination. (Although, that is likely a case by case scenario and dependent on how the sizing up is used.). For this example, I’m talking about something more simple. The storylines we create about someone that results in no specific outcome or action, and then we move on about our way.
For example, this happened to me recently. I went for a massage and my massage therapist was someone I had not worked with before. Immediately I sized him up and developed my own storyline for him and his life based on the fact that he was male, a massage therapist, had longer hair and some retro sneakers on. Here’s how it went. Single, Hippy-ish, nature loving, interested in all things healing, probably struggling a bit financially but not a big deal because it’s just him doing whatever he wants. There was no judgment here. In fact, I kind of loved the care free, free spirit aspects of this person I created with my story. (Probably because I wish I had more of that for myself!!). I didn’t feel better than him, that wasn’t the point. The point is that our brains and we, as human beings, are wired like this. We need to figure out how others fit and how we fit into the puzzle. The problem is, we often do this without the correct data. After my initial hello and introduction to my massage therapist I learned quickly that I was completely wrong. Married, successful wife, kids, this was a second career of sorts. WOW, so far off.
What I realized was that I felt this desire to learn more about him. I was so far off that I had to know more. I was curious about another human being and their experiences. I wanted to listen. It was a great feeling. And yes, I had the time because I was getting a massage, but I realized two things. One, I actually didn’t have to listen. I typically prefer silence during massages, so this was new. Two, I have walked around for decades too busy to explore outside my circle of to-dos. Racing into the grocery store, staying on schedule, being on time. Dare I say I’m ready to slow down and get to know some strangers? How exciting!
Creating a storyline about someone that’s harmful to ourselves.
Here, we size people up to be bigger and better than us. Putting someone on a pedestal, is the saying. This has been my default thing to do throughout my professional career. Eh, probably my entire life, but let’s stick to my professional career… Leadership, managers, bosses, you name them, were always on a pedestal. It made sense in my mind. They were successful, had their shit together, better stuff, better network, better presenter, better ideas, way smarter, deserved to be there. You get the point. I wasn’t good enough in one million ways. When I found myself in a room with them I desperately tried to manage my panic attacks, which resulted in me not even being present because the brain cannot function properly when it’s flight, fight or freeze. Science baby.
Anyway, I think this is common. We compare ourselves to others and think we’re not as good. But, we’re comparing based on only a few facts that we know. Title, prestige in the company, performance. We don’t see what goes into preparing for a presentation, what they struggle with, how they show up for their families (or don’t), or addictions. We only see a sliver and then we think we know it all. I want to tell you that you don’t know shit! People in my company view me in the same way I just described how I’ve viewed other leaders. Imagine that. Some feel the same way about me? How does that fit into my storyline of not being good enough? It doesn’t. Many folks are impressed with me professionally. This is flattering but it also reinforces my point. Until recently, I hid so much of myself. More and more people know the real me and it’s freeing. It’s also allowed me to FINALLY see others as human beings. Fun fact: I had a post-it note on my computer reminding me that everyone sits on the toilet the same way… I didn’t believe this and needed to learn it.
We can also hurt ourselves by sizing others up on social media. The picture-perfect non-existent reality everyone (myself included) posts each and every day. It’s so important for us to know this is fake. Like a TV show. For every one thing that is shiny and perfect in the post, there is a mess behind it. Literally or figuratively.
Another way we see this come up is in recovery. When I was in recovery and until recently, it was really hard for me to see myself on the same level as anyone else. The way I sized people up was whether I wasn’t as bad off as someone. “At least I’m not fill in the blank”. It was not in my ability to see myself as worthy as someone else that did not struggle with addiction. I felt less than, everywhere I turned. School, work, friends and family. This black cloud followed me and reminded me that I’d never be as good as someone because I had this shameful past. I suspect I’m not the only one feeling this way. Addiction, abuse, trauma, all set up for this. We need to see everyone as humans with flaws.
I desperately want to normalize being normal. I want this for myself but more so for my kids. I want them to feel like they're on the same level simply because we’re all human. I want to know what people do for a living, not because it defines someone’s worth but because it’s where so much of their time and effort goes. I want to care about how someone is really feeling, not just ask because it keeps the conversation going. I want to listen more than I talk. I want to allow myself the time to explore and get to know people.
This all sounds really wonderful but there are some things that hold us back.
There seems to be such little time to really get to know people. In my profession there’s meetings all day long and everyone is rushed so most of the time they end up being all business.
We feel flawed and don’t want to expose ourselves. Impostor syndrome or old beliefs that hold us back from truly believing we’re worthy with our flaws.
We feel too busy, too tired, too….
I think this is another opportunity to get curious. This time about others. Learn true storylines and see what things bring us together. Stop assuming things about others. Stop sizing ourselves down based on these assumptions. Bring ourselves back up to worthiness! I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the connections created from sharing my story. In sharing my stories, people (I know and don’t know) can relate. Getting curious can create more connection in our lives and this can bring more joy.
And if you’re not so sure about whether you can share, I will be your test pilot. No judgments from me. Lots of listening. You deserve to feel worthy because you ARE worthy of a joyful life.