Always learning
I’ve spent the better part of the last year moving from focusing on my mind and thoughts to going inward, first, and reading my body’s cues and responses to how I’m feeling in situations. It’s been a difficult journey, to say the least, for a few reasons.
My mind, specifically my intelligence, has gotten me far in life so it’s hard to move away from it.
My mind, in the form of mind over matter, mostly, has helped me in recovering from addictions.
I haven’t felt safe in my body for as long as I can remember. Hell, I haven’t felt comfortable either.
Having been in low places - addictions, abusive relationships, desperately trying to fit in - I haven't had a trusting relationship with myself. Said more succinctly, I don’t trust myself.
It’s easier for me to defer to luck or flukes for the good things that happen for me versus hard work, commitment or simply being deserving of them.
Despite these things, I jumped in, cannonball style, giving it my total commitment. I’ve learned so much about myself by getting out of my head and into my body and I believe in this work, having seen incredible change from it. That said, sometimes I need intellectual processing and reminders of the science to be able to then move back into the body. Case in point, the past few weeks.
Last week I wrote about the dark funk I entered and wasn’t able to easily shake. Early this week, it seemed like I was banging my head against a wall trying to make the somatic tools work for me. Interactions with people I’ve worked closely with on my journey seemed counterproductive. I felt flawed and like a failure, once again. After that, I decided to try something new – well, actually old. I went back to my intellectual roots and dove deep into podcasts and reading on a few topics I felt I was struggling with. With this re-education my mindset quickly changed, along with my body. I truly think that I, personally, had to re-do some detective work, even if it was going to lead me back to my same somatic tools. I think this is where moderation, balance, a mixture (however you want to say it) comes into play. There simply isn’t a one-size fits all or recipe for growth that never changes.
When those depressed thoughts started a few weeks ago, they came storming in, like a fierce force. It was startling and scary. As someone who’s been depressed, it’s not helpful, for me, to hear that I have a choice in the matter. When I’m in the dumpster I simply cannot fathom choosing to feel differently. For me, I had to tap into learning more to connect the dots and validate things that I was feeling. And, because trusting myself is still very hard, I also have a hard time believing that I have the ability to dig out and feel better. I do think this will change as I grow and evolve. More acceptance of what is happening, trust in myself, and softer landings.
The components of feeling out of control and flawed were very strong and apparent to me. Flawed because I was tripping up and feeling really bad, which meant that I’m not perfect. Out of control because I didn’t see this coming and felt like I was left sinking. Perfectionism I’ve written on before. Control ties in directly to perfectionism because I desperately try to control every outcome, in an effort to be perfect. This is something I know about myself, but I feel a strong urge to re-educate myself and dig deeper. As I do, it’s been validating, eye-opening and allowed me to come back to my body in the form of listening to how I respond and being compassionate with myself. I will share more on this topic later because I know so many others struggling and I think many of us could use some reminders – and lots more love.
I’ve written about constant evolution, being a work-in-progress, trial and error and little victories. Boiling down to themes of self compassion and growth as a journey. So, the past few weeks have been a little surprising having responded in such a limiting way to myself and my growth over the past month. “Two steps forward, once step back”, right? That is such a simple phrase that carries so much weight.
Ultimately, I like this question, which I’ve integrated into my daily practices. “Would my past self be proud of me?” The answer is “HELL YES!”.