One of the hardest things about having an eating disorder or drug / alcohol problem, for me, is that during those periods I moved so far away from my true inner instinct and intuition. This is scary, because when I have come out of these journeys, I have little to no trust in myself. I don’t even know if my inner voice is mine. Is that really my higher self or the monster I created inside?

It wasn’t until we came back home that I started to come down from that state. It all hit me hard. I was so exhausted — more than the “I have a newborn” exhausted. This is when I started to realize that I really wasn’t managing things well internally and within my internal systems.

It can be really easy to overthink things, try to control things and try to make everything perfect. And, it’s easy to say “Well, that’s just the way I am!”. I think it's just the way we were molded, though. Every circumstance where we try to control the outcome or be perfect is a great place to get curious and ask “Why am I thinking or doing this?”.

If you take away one thing, let it be this. Can we please normalize being in the shit? What I mean is, can we be ok with people not being ok (happy/productive/healthy/etc.) all of the time?

I don’t know where to go from here. I feel as if I’m mourning not only Tyre and all those who have died at the hands of someone or something awful, but our entire humanity.

Change one small thing can have a ripple effect that is massive! It’s both encouraging and scary. Without change, though, were stagnant, which doesn’t work either. Change is the only constant.

Shame is like food poisoning for the soul. We all have shit, and that shit wants to stain our entire being and life.

The holiday break saga and learnings continued. The last week and a half since my previous post (on how I somewhat unraveled trying to do all things Christmas-y plus dealing with the curve balls of parenting and life) proved to be an opportunity to put my 3 takeaways into action.

This year I learned something for myself. I always thought that I was trying to figure something out. What I think now, though, is that it’s not about “figuring it all out”. It’s about constant evolution.

I didn’t see a way out of the life I had been living. I had never felt so hopeless and low. I was certain no one loved me and wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted nothing to do with me.

The shame I have felt has been paralyzing. In deciding to come out with my story, this part of my life was what made me second guess myself several times a day. I know in my heart that keeping this in is not helpful to myself.

Many people think that in order to be empathetic, we need to have experienced what someone else is going through. That’s not true, though, and I think it’s often used as an escape from being present with someone who’s in the shit. It’s too painful.

If you're reading this thinking “cheers to you,” I get it. There were many years of trying to get here. Many thoughts of trying but not yet having the courage or ability to do so.

This was a rock bottom in my life, but not the first. I’ve had a few. When I stopped drinking it became clearer how long I had been outside the norms of social drinking.

I’ve spent at least half of my life running from me. Unsure of who I was, trying hard to fit into the norms of society as a woman, friend, girlfriend then wife, sister, daughter, mother and professional. It takes a lot of effort to fit into these roles and into the societal expectations of these roles.